Please Dont Drink The Holy Water

“If heaven’s a banquet,will I have to do dishes?”

That’s all Catholic mom Susie Lloyd wants to know. Marriage and motherhood have taught her the rest, including the things that are most important in life: “Metaphysical realities like the existence of God can get along without my help. Cleaning the bathroom can’t.”

Homeschooling her kids has left Susie wise beyond her years: she’s learned why pi is square instead of round, and searched out the best places to buy a cow’s eyeball for the science fair. “In fact,” she says, “Socrates had it easy. His students never interrupted him to go to the bathroom or ask when lunch was.”

Susie’s husband is always there to support her: “Greg tells me education would have no purpose if kids didn’t start out ignorant. He seems to think that will keep me from strangling them.”

Yet she’s always patient, even when strangers gawk at her and her five daughters and ask: “Are they all yours?”, “Are you done yet?”, “Don’t you have a TV?”

Susie tells them that raising five girls isn’t really so hard (at least not until they’re teenagers). After all, “Daughters don’t have the same needs as sons. They can live for days on hors d’oeuvres.”

So come along for a ride in Susie’s full-size van as she faces the trials of Family Rosary and tangles with snide education experts, gruff confessors, and relatives who tell her it’s time to wake up and join the “real world.”

But Susie’s already in the Real World: a happy Catholic family on its way to heaven!